Friday, March 23, 2007

Exclusive Saddam Interview

Dear Readers,

In the most sensational interview of the year, I had the opportunity to speak with Saddam Hussein, the former president of Iraq. This coup was made possible by his attendance at a local “antiwar” rally in San Diego, California on March 17th. I couldn’t believe my luck when Saddam agreed to the interview. Since I was completely unprepared I had to dash over to Office Depot and purchase a digital voice recorder for the occasion.

You would think that being executed and sentenced to eternal damnation would bring him down, but Saddam was very upbeat during the interview. He actually appeared to be just a bit giggly after sharing a joint with some protesters. However, the seriousness of his situation should have overpowered the intoxicating effects of the drug. Instead he presided over the protest like a ringmaster without a care in the world. It was an awe inspiring moment.

PW: Saddam Hussein thank you for agreeing to this interview. It’s been a long time since your last media appearance so I am honored that you chose Protest Warrior for this exclusive. What brings you to this protest today?

SH: It’s good to be here with my loyal minions. I came here today to meet my good friend Ramsey Clark and all of my friends at the National Lawyers Guild. They have worked tirelessly on my behalf and now they are holding this protest in order to free all political prisoners that are currently being held captive in hell. Bless their bleeding hearts!

PW: Last I heard you were hanged by the neck until dead and condemned to eternal damnation. How did you get out of hell?

SH: My dark master Lucifer let me out on a special furlough to recruit more souls. I had to deal with a lot of bureaucracy and paper work to get out just for one day, but there are many souls to harvest here.

PW: Saddam these are peace loving hippies that you are talking about. Why would they be damned to hell?

SH: Oh no, you don’t understand. They can all go to hell.

Our entire middle management in the underworld is comprised of liberals and socialists. Many people are under the old misconception that physical torture is used as punishment in hell, but it hasn’t been this way in over a hundred years. No, we torture the damned through litigation and bureaucracy.

Lawyers from the National Lawyers Guild and the ACLU have taken over the reigns of the Ministry of Torture to increase the suffering of hell’s inmates. In addition we have recently built the Lynne Stewart University of Malpractice which will be the cornerstone of Satan’s program to produce a ratio of five lawyers for each condemned soul.

PW: That’s terrible! But I think physical torture would still be worse.

SH: Don’t doubt the diabolical schemes of our infernal master. In hell there are no double jeopardy rules and you are forced to appeal every court case or lawsuit. Litigation never ends. There are cases that have lasted for over a hundred years. The only way to raise your status as a demon and protect yourself from frivolous litigation is to recruit legions of lawyers. I was lucky enough to have the support of all of them.

Over-regulation and excessive-taxation are also instruments of torture. Pesticides and GM foods are banned, while excessive tariffs and subsidies kill free trade. This means that our third world inmates suffer from massive amounts of starvation. In hell you can starve, but you can’t die!

Our Dark Lord is a genius. As the dictator of Iraq I never thought of such a diabolical scheme. Lord Satan had me recruit activists from Greenpeace and the Earth Liberation Front to run the Ministry of Starvation and they have made impressive gains to increase the suffering, while lowering carbon emissions by .001%.

PW: I see what you mean. That is particularly disturbing. Do you think that you will have any luck recruiting “peace” activists today?

SH: Oh I already have. These people have served me faithfully as human shields and have even represented me in court. Whenever I have needed them they have protested on my behalf because they love me. Today I have been handing out my delicious Yellowcake Cupcakes made with a special uranium recipe that I got from Niger. So you can see that I have them eating out of my hands.

Not only do protesters like anti-American dictators, but they love their recipes too.

PW: Many people at this protest believe that the U.S. should withdraw from Iraq. What are your thoughts about this?

SH: I absolutely agree. The illegal invasion and occupation over my beloved Iraq should be reversed so my loyal Baath Party members can seize control. Then President Bush needs to be impeached and sent to hell in my place.

You Americans missed a good chance for peace and to set me free when you failed to elect John Kerry. Now it is necessary to let the bloody purges begin.

PW: It turns out that John Kerry is washed up these days. Since he pretty much dedicated his rhetoric to undermining the U.S. presence in Iraq, he almost brought down the United States with him. Do you think that he helped your cause?

SH: Kerry is a great American patriot so I took the example of Communist Vietnam and honored him. After Kerry helped the Communists seize South Vietnam they placed a picture of him in a museum for anti-war protesters in Ho Chi Min City. So when my master promoted me to Lucifer’s Minion First Class I began construction on my own museum to honor those antiwar protesters that have supported me so faithfully. I had it painted pink and hired Che Guevara as my curator. Please visit when you are in town. It’s hard to miss because it is right next to Disney’s Lake of Fire Amusement Park.

PW: Over the years you issued several orders to hunt down and kill American civilians, but now you are honoring them. Do you regret issuing such statements?

SH: There is nothing that I could say or do that would cause the antiwar movement to dump me. President Bush is our common enemy so I could run free and kill anyone that I want, but your protesters would still support me. When my insurgents kill women and children do these protesters blame me? No they blame Bush. Your people do not hate me, they hate Bush. I came so close to defeating America and that’s why the CIA killed me.

PW: Saddam - You invaded Kuwait, your troops got routed, your government fell and you were captured and executed… Do you think that you made a bigger mistake than President Bush?

SH: Bush should have minded his own business because now he will have to answer to the anger of the American people who rally behind my sovereign nation. Don’t forget that even though I am dead, I am still the President of Iraq!!!

Even in death I was made to be a martyr by my supporters here in the United States. My Baathist legions and the Democratic Party stand united to end the unjust American occupation. All the bombs and RPGs in the world cannot stop the American army, but we don’t need to… you can defeat yourself. Ha haa haaaaa haaaaa.

PW: President Hussein we have run out of time, but I’d like to say that you strike me as a thoughtful and sensitive leader and I am sure that we will get you out of prison. Please have faith in the American people.

SH: I do have faith, but you should forget all about the people that I killed and the people that I was going to kill. It’s all about Bush, blame him for my violence! Remember that the only path to get elected to public office in the United States is through support for my cause. Just leave the Iraqi people alone so that my henchmen can kill them quietly. Thank you for this wonderful protest.

A special audio excerpt of the interview with Saddam is included here, followed by an official press release by the demon Belial, Hell’s Minister of Information.

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